Dinner on the Table at 6

My family moved into this 2 story home in 1962 when I was in the 6th grade. Many memories were made there through the years. The days went fast and then I was getting married and leaving home for the first time when I was a mere 17 years old. Leaving was not hard...I was starting a new life and that excitement far overshadowed the thought that this was not home anymore. But then I realized through the years...this house was home and would always be home. Home where we had outdoor cookouts, family reunions, and holiday gatherings. The house where my oldest daughter spent her first Christmas Eve when she was only 18 hours old. The house where 2 siblings got married....one inside the house and one in the large backyard. The only house where 10 grandchildren and 11 great grands would visit Meno and Pawpaw. And yes...the house where Mom and then Dad spent their last day before leaving for their eternal home. Sadly the time had come to let someone else make memories here. Piece by piece as their belongings left the house.....a little part of my heart broke.

How do you part with 47 years of ....HOME.

Home ...the gathering place....the common ground. You remember the years and take with you all the good times, laughter, sadness and memories that you have stored in your heart.

On May 31, 2009 I picked one last rose from Daddy's rosebush in the front yard. I walked through the house one last time.....remembering. I walked out the door.....leaving home again for the last time ....closing another chapter in my Book of Life.

Tragedy, loss, sorrow, grief......all words that have an impact on or lives. Sometimes when we experience these impacts we react in ways that are not the norm for us. We are thrust into a world of decision making, responsibility, and actions that are done quickly and without much preparation and which can led to stress and worry. During times of stress we say and do things to our loved ones that we would not normally say or do.

I have experienced this over the past 10 months and have seen it among loved ones. We have experienced 2 episodes of loss and it has made me realize that nothing is worth the bitterness or tension that may evolve. Bitterness can lead to hate which can sour a life. Grudges and a non-forgiving attitude do nothing but harm both parties and increase your own worry and stress. Forgiving someone does not absolve them of the wrong that you experienced. It can simply free you to live a life that isn't anchored to the hurt and resentment of past events. Do not allow old drama to determine your behavior.

I am going to try and live my life without it being anchored to the past. I have pulled up old anchors and life will be better. My prayer is for my loved ones to pull up their anchors too and make peace with the events of the past year and let loose of the bitterness, grudges and resentment that we experienced at a time in our lives that was tested far too severely. Our circle has been broken but we can join hands and hearts and close that circle and embrace our good fortune of having each other to hold onto.

Sadly on July 29, 2008 I lost my mother Theresa Cato. My mom suffered from COPD and was diagnosed the first week in June with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Her departure came much sooner than we had expected or wanted but I was blessed to have been with her in her last hours at home. It was comforting to be with her till the end and I think it brought peace to me to have her there surrounded by her family. Mother was cremated according to her wishes and there was a beautiful memorial service for her with members of our family participating to make it very personal. Family was what she was about and she loved a large gathering of children, grandchidren and great grands. We were all there to say goodbye and remember the woman we all loved. She would have loved that. Rest in peace mom.

Life and death. You live...you die. Should be fairly simple but somehow we get caught up in the cycle of living and dying and realize it is not always so simple and clear cut. Most of us are born into the world through a fairly simple birthing process and taken home swaddled in the arms of the new mom or dad. That is the way I want to leave this world too....a fairly simple dying process swaddled in the arms of angels. I have seen lots of death in my career as a nurse but it is in a different light that I see it as a daughter. When my dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in March it began a series of up and downs in this cycle of death. Discussions whether it was Satge III or Stage IV....radiation or radiation and chemo, side effects of treatment, second opinions, prognosis....3 months, 9 months, ???. Decisions you are forced to make as you are still dealing with the diagnosis. Then in June my mother is diagnosed with cancer. The surgeon said he was 99% sure it was a sarcoma....a very aggressive cancer with no treatment and poor prognosis at this time due to the size of the tumor. A week of agonizing despair thinking both your parents have agrressive terminal cancers. Then the biopsy comes back and it is a slow growing, treatable cancer. Due to age and a chronic lung disease she has opted for no treatment and elected to attain the services of Hospice as did my dad. With cancer you have many choices....treatment or no treatment, what kind of treatment, end of care life or not. Was the right decision made? Why are we hearing different things from different doctors? And then the remaining family members coping with the decisions that were made. So much doubt. My plea to anyone facing these kinds of dilemas and decisions is to make them as the most informed patient you can be. And make them with the help of family members. Share your fears, expectations and hopes with each other and know that you have left little doubt that the choices made were the right ones and that end of life care can be experienced in the most positive, peaceful manner possible.

After 5 years living in Florida and Nebraska and being so far away from the kids and grandkids we got to come back to Texas. It has been a great 2 months enjoying the grandkids here and in Houston. Shelby made some friends here and would ride bikes with them. Troy enjoyed hanging around with PaPa and playing guitar with him. Now due to Dan's job they are all moving North to Illinois....just 5 hours from where we lived in Nebraska. I know it will be a new adventure for Andrea, Troy and Shelby but geeee...I am going to miss them terribly.
The kids joke that we recycle furniture a lot between us so I just kept up the tradition and passed along our sled and snow shovel to them to take to Illinois since we won't need them here in Texas and they will surely get some use out of them up North. But wait!!!!! It is March 7 and Waco woke up to an inch of snow this morning.
I guess when the humidity in Texas gets so bad we can't stand it we will take the Nana van and travel back up north and see our Illinois kids and remember how nice the summers up north are. In the meantime....I'm gonna miss you all!

Since my last blog (I know it has been a while) we left Nebraska and moved South back to Texas and closer...much closer...to the kids and grandkids. It is so nice to hop in the car and in 2 1/2 to 3 hours be at their homes for a visit or for them to come here for a visit. We even bought a Nana van to have more room to carry everyone. They are great! I love driving it. We bought a new house and have spent the past 8 weeks getting it decorated and livable. I even have a "junk" drawer in my kitchen. The house is big and seems like I spent so many steps going to the office to get a pen, pair of scissors, etc. so I used one of the kitchen drawers for just those things. That may sound like a petty thing but I really always despised drawers that just accumulated "things". I must admit though that I do like the convience of that drawer now. Gee June.....You are really loosening those apron strings.
We have tried to make the house grandkid friendly too. We have an extra bedroom just for the grandkids and their toys. Although I guess as the mother of 3 girls I let my girly instinct take over when I chose pink striped bedspreads and pink polka dotted sheets for the twin beds in there. My oldest grandson... aged 12... did not feel too comfortable sleeping in a girly room. No Problem....I just flipped the comforter over to reveal a light blue side!! Problem fixed???? Well not really.....guess it was still a little too girly. The next time he visited he opted for the adult guestroom with the queen bed and more neutral colors! We also have a swingset and bikes, trikes, a Barbie jeep, and a scooter for all the grands. Our next project is to get a stoarge building out back so Dave can park all the kid's vehicles in so he can park his truck in the garage. But hey...that's ok! We are closer to those little crumbsnatchers and loving every minute of it!! Texas!!!! It is good to be home.